Cloudy Days

Tonight I took a sink bath. The raw truth is that I’ve been depressed and full of high anxiety for the last 3 days. I finally mustered up enough strength to take a shower but the anxiety took my depression’s place. My husband has been on a business trip for over a week and it’s taking a toll on me. That might not seem like a lot to families that are used to one parent being gone due to work, but for us it means a lot of chaos and readjustment. My husband’s usually the one that stays with the kids while I have some peace and quiet to myself every evening. Since he hasn’t been home, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, overtouched, and over stimulated. I haven’t left the house in a week. I’ve had some family come over but it’s usually 15-30 minute visits that mostly focus on the kids. I feel entirely alone. Even more so when I’m having these chaotic episodes in my head. My kids keep me going. They are so beautiful, happy, curious, innocent, and so full of life. I hope they never have to deal with anything like this. In the meantime, I try my best for my postpartum depression and anxiety to not affect them negatively. However, I also don’t hide my emotions. If I cry, then I cry. Sometimes my toddler notices and other times he doesn’t. If he notices he asks what’s wrong and if I’m sad. I tell him yes but that it has nothing to do with him and that I love him and that sometimes mommy just gets sad and that it’s ok to cry and let it out. He usually hugs me and gives me a kiss and asks if I’m better. Usually I am because his hugs and kisses are the best. Last night he told me I was his best friend. I don’t even know where he learned that phrase from but he has no idea what his sweet words did to my heart and soul. Tonight I felt so drained and exhausted. I wanted a long hot shower but I can’t do that when no one else can keep the kids. I used to take them both in there; I’d put Hope in her rocker chair and Jude on his iPad. However, Hope has become super mobile and tries to get out of the rocker, even when she is buckled in. My anxiety was so high that I was afraid to leave her in the chair while l showered, yes even though she would be in the bathroom with me. So, I opted for a sink bath. She was safely in her crib where I could see her from the bathroom and Jude was watching TV and occasionally would zoom into the bathroom to tell me what was happening on his show. Both of them safe and happy while I continued to have chaos in my mind. After my sink bath, although it was not as pleasant as a regular shower, I began to feel better and think clearer. Mental illnesses such as these are so hard to deal with. I usually have my husband with me to help through my episodes and he is amazing at it. If you know Matt, he has a calmness to him that just instantly makes you feel at ease. He is, as they say, the calmness to my storm. Usually I can handle this. I don’t know what was different this time. Usually I know my triggers and can use my learned techniques to calm myself. I guess this is just another reminder of what being human feels like. The simple task of taking a quick sink bath drastically changed and improved my mood and I am thankful for that. Tomorrow will be better.